Last week was bonkers. It’s a very odd thing waking up to see your own (knackered) face on the front page of a newspaper. And then to see it again; throughout the week, on the phones of all the people sitting next to you on the train.
To all of you who have read my piece about divorce and signed up to this Substack. Thank you. It means so much to have you here. And I also feel under a bit of pressure not to disappoint you. Which I’m going to try and ignore. Because if I focus on not disappointing you, this newsletter is going to be rubbish.
I started this Substack because I wanted to be able to share insights, questions, tools and techniques to help you navigate the world of work. We spend a lot of time at work. My job as a coach is to help people learn how to connect with their own brilliance, so that they can thrive at work - rather than just survive.
These days, I mostly do that for businesses and a handful of personal clients at a time. I don’t come cheap. And I also know that the stuff I share with my clients - and that they share with me (it’s a two way process) helps them. So this newsletter is about sharing those things with all of you. Two posts a month will be free. And two will be paid.
I’m also thinking about some extra special stuff for the paid subscribers too, because the fact that people want to pay me for my words blows my mind a bit.
Anyway, on to this week’s newsletter. Last week, was like nothing I have experienced before. I woke up at 5am on Tuesday morning, and my in-box had exploded. New subscribers, and people wanting to join my waiting list to be coached by me, but also, emails from complete strangers who had read my piece and wanted to share their stories with me. Email after email of lovely, kind, supportive, heartbreaking, deeply personal stories of other people’s marriages and divorces.
I suspected when I wrote my article that it would strike a chord. But I didn’t realise quite how many people felt the same way. Those who had divorced amicably. Or were in a similar place. Or were as deeply unhappy as I had been, but for one reason or another felt they needed to stay in their marriage. The emails and messages are still coming and I feel very privileged that people who don’t know me, have trusted me with their stories.
Both me and my ex have both been asked on dates (which I declined due to new ongoing relationship). And people who I have worked with across the last twenty five plus years have piled into my Whatsapp and LinkedIn messages sending me love and support.
And then the flipside. The less lovely stuff.
The hate was breathtaking. I’d been warned by someone who is more experienced than me not to read the online comments, but while she was telling me this over the phone I made the mistake of reading a couple. They made me physically shake. I know enough female journalists to recognise that this is a daily occurrence for them. As it is for anyone who puts their opinion or story out online - whatever their gender. But knowing it intellectually and experiencing it yourself is a whole different ballgame.
The beginning of last week, my emotions were all over the place. I was proud of what I had written. Everyone kept telling me I was “brave”. But I didn’t feel brave. I worried about how everyone else I cared about was feeling about it. I knew their feelings weren’t my responsibility, but I still worried about them. And wanted them to be ok with my words being out there in the world.
I wanted to get in bed, put my head under the duvet and not come out. I hadn’t expected the piece to be quite so big. Or to create so much impact with people. At one point it was the second most read item on The Times website, which if you consider everything else going on in the world at the moment is baffling.
I wasn’t sure how to navigate this. And I still had to work. I still had clients to coach, and workshops to write, and forms to fill in.
So what helped? Because my wobble was a first world wobble. I am lucky enough to have my health, and a home, and an income. And other than complete strangers throwing me a shit ton of shade online, I’ve had lots of people apply to join my waiting list to be coached by me, and tons of new subscribers. Things to be happy and grateful about.
Plenty of you reading this will be dealing with the actual tough stuff that life throws at us. The big things like the end of a relationship, Illness, death and the grief that follows it, losing a job, or the risk of redundancy.
Or the everyday things that make us feel wobbly. Our kids not sleeping. Our kids being unhappy. Or insomnia. Or a new boss who has knocked our confidence. Or just feeling too old, or too young; or not qualified enough. Each and any of these can make us wobbly.
So here are the things that I did that helped me navigate my bonkers week:
I noticed my physical responses. Those online comments I made the mistake of reading sent my heart racing. Straight into fight/flight/freeze mode. My jaw clenched, so did my fists. Noticing this was helpful. I was sitting in bed at the time, so trying to connect with my body and breathing helped calm me down again. Every time I thought about the comments, my heart raced, every time I focused on my breathing, my heart slowed again. Sounds simple, takes practice. And when you do it, try and talk to yourself with kindness, rather than swearing at yourself.
I exercised. I stuck to my runs and my classes religiously because I knew if I didn’t, I would feel worse. Exercise makes our brains and bodies feel better. Fact. If you don’t feel up to a class, or a run, a walk around the block is going to help you feel less wobbly. Whatever works for you.
List your emotions out loud, without any judgement of yourself. I did this several times throughout the day last week. It helped. As I did it, I noticed both positive and negative emotions, and as the days went by, the positive ones grew in number, and the negative ones receded.
Remember that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions. Some peoples responses delighted me. Others disappointed me. And then there was a whole range in between. I think that’s par for the course with wobbles big and small.
Go back to your Values. The things that matter to you and make you tick. A big one for me is Honesty. This piece was honest. I kept coming back to that. And “Helping others” is another big value for me.
A week or so on, those emails are still coming. My feelings have settled into a quiet pride that I wrote something that seems to have helped quite a few other people.
This specific wobble has dissipated. But I know for sure that another one will come. Because life throws things at us, and a lot of the time we don’t have the luxury of stopping work to navigate them. We have to keep going. Working through the wobbles. As always with these newsletters, take the bits above that resonate with you and ignore the rest. You know yourselves better than I do.
As always, I hope this has helped.
Lisa x
Lisa, thank you for sharing (particularly your post last week). I really appreciate your simultaneous courage and vulnerability. It's so valuable for people to know that it can be possible to have a civilised divorce (note to a client and a good mate!)
Good luck with all that the new relationship brings. As for the trolls... their compassion value is obviously being stamped on. Sorry you've had to deal with that nonsense. Prob AI bots anyway. x