It is a truth universally acknowledged that at some point in your career, you will work with someone you don’t like. There are dickheads everywhere. In every industry and in every organisation (some industries seem to attract them more than others). And it’s pretty likely that in the 50 plus years of work that most of us will experience, we’re going to bump up against people who we find difficult.
I remember clearly a woman who I worked with more than a decade ago. When I think about her I immediately think of this false smile that I used to plaster on my face whenever I was in a meeting with her. I thought she was arrogant, lazy, all about her own career rather than that of her team and that she was a “boys’ girl”. One of those women who would immediately gravitate towards the men at a company away day and would join in with all the “bantz”.
She never did anything bad to me. She didn’t belittle me, or put me down. She was only ever supportive of the work me and my team did, and yet, she drove me nuts and I loved an opportunity to bitch about her. There weren’t many, as everyone else seemed to love her. Writing this, I think I’ve just realised I was the dickhead in this scenario. I think I was jealous of her and her success and her popularity within the business. And how easy she made it seem.
I have also worked with people who have been genuine nightmares. The male client who used to humiliate me for fun (it was the 90s, that kind of shit happened). The woman who bullied me so badly I didn’t sleep for months. If you are in a traumatic scenario, this post is not for you. If you are in a situation where someone in power is taking advantage of you, that is not ok, and you need to get help - whether that’s HR, or legal, or a friendly ally who can help you through that hideousness. And I send you my love and a massive hug (if you want one).
I’m talking more about the person who irritates us or we just plain old don’t like. They’re often at the same level at us, or maybe just a bit above, or sometimes they’re in our team, or we have to work with them in a matrix system. And we just find them annoying. Or irritating. We don’t like their work ethic, or the way they self promote, or that they can be dismissive of our work, or seem to be out for themselves. Or we find them patronising, or rude, or their tone of voice, or they way they sit annoys us. So what can you do if you find yourself in this situation? Here are a few questions that I invite you to try on for size. Take those that help. Ignore the rest. Trust yourselves, you know yourself better than I do:
Ask yourself this: What can I learn from this person? I know, I KNOW, this is such an annoying thing to explore about a person who you don’t like, but we can more often than not, learn something from them. It might be their ability to self-promote. Or the way they don’t seem to care what other people think. Or something else.
What is it about this person that you can’t be with? If I think back about annoying “bantz” woman above, it was her self-confidence. I think she reminded me of myself a bit, and I found that annoying.
What do we BOTH want? Usually, there is something that we both want. It might be something for the organisation you are both working for. Realising that you have common ground can help you navigate a new way forward.
If I assume that this person is not going to change, what needs to change about ME in order for things to get better?
And then finally, what if I assume the best of them? What’s different then?
As always, I hope this has helped. Please do feel free to comment as I always read them and it’s nice to know that this stuff is actually resonating with you. (That’s my need for validation in full technicolour right there!).
Lisa x
I feel seen! Thank you 😆
A really useful piece that is realistic about the workplace, although it is depressing to have to deal with these type of people. I’ve shared this with my twin sister who is managing a very difficult situation with her manager - I’m coaching and supporting her, and yes, advising her to get HR/management support - but always reassuring to are not alone managing challenging situations.